lol'd so hard at the video with ratface and chris. won't say the name because i don't want this entry to show up if anyone searches it. if you know me at all, you'll know exactly who i'm talking about :-) swear to god, her laugh makes me shiver and flail with pain. its like nails on a chalkboard, or the squeaky sound the chalk makes sometimes that makes my math teacher stop talking and do this little spin move and run away for a minute. but i love chris, oh my god i love chris so much, lold soooo hard. but its rather disgusting and unnerving that she is residing in my favorite place ever, which is also an hour away from me. ooooooooow. my heart, shudders, must kill.

i really dislike ashlee simpson but i think she's cute (in the kind of bitter way) and her new song won't, at the risk of the worst pun this decade, won't get out of my head. and so i'm forced to listen because its like when you crave a certain food. its like when you want ice cream, but you can't have ice cream because theres none left so you try having brownies, it just doesnt satisfy you.

stupid fucking ashlee and her stupid fucking ice cream. super polished and prettied ice cream that people made for her to sell and put up in the freezer on a hot hot day. >:O bastards

we talked about my dad and i told her about my new piercing. i asked her how she thought dad would take a birthday card. i think he'll tear it up. apparently he talks about me. he just feels like im dead. he talks about all the memories that flash through my head. especially the ones that hit me when i watch "When we die" by bowling for soup. god, the first time i saw that... i bawled. for like, ten minutes. it was like watching brokeback mountain all over again, but this time i had emotional attatchment. God.

so i said, he wont want to talk to me anyway. he wont want to see me, the way my hair is died, the metal in my face. i wanted so much to tell her that i would have too much trouble hiding my tattoos. i wanted so much to tell her who im in love with. i know she will love me no matter what. but i also know that there is a line that could be crossed, a line where she will begin to frown, despite her love. "what on earth makes you think that i'd ever do that?" ever look at my face and hate it? so many people hate my piercings. im afraid she'll find them ugly. "i'll always see you as beautiful. you are beautiful." that doesnt mean she cant hate them.. she sees with her heart. i just hope her heart can keep her blind enough for me.

my cat is sleeping in the corner of my room, by my vanity and closet where i keep my hamper. on my dirty towels. i think its the first time shes ever stayed in the same room with me for more than five minutes, the first time in like.. years. i love her. i hope she sticks with me.

conversations like that with my nana make me wonder if ive gone overkill. i have three facial piercings. is my nose ring for the worse? is my lip ring too big and obnoxious? was this monroe a mistake? i have two cartilage rings that i adore, two on each lobe. i wear earrings that i made myself, dangling bats. my makeup seems to dream of being jeffree star's wannabe (no offense to j*) its so thick and black. my lipstick is bright red and i keep my face as pale as i can. i have two tattoos, one if visible and not very small. i wear spikes. i plan on getting a chest piece. have i overdone it already? do i look uglier with these things? should i just listen to all the guys who tell me id be so much prettier if i just lost the ______....?

i hate thinking like that.

relationships are scary. love is scary. lust is scary. your heart is scary. reading into the relationships of everyone who is idolized nowadays is fucking scary as hell to me. who's dating who? how can MY HERO be with THAT? what makes them worthy? how can they be in love with them? how do you know they arent just using him/her? how do you know its for real? all the smiles and grins and cute pictures... you know what, its no different than a relationship amongst your best friends. they are still people, they still have hearts, they still feel. whats meant to be will be and i guess we just have to believe in that, so that we can believe everything will be okay for everyone we love. if they are being used, they will discover the truth before its too late. if they arent with who they should be, they will figure it out and get with their other half. whats meant to be will be, right? we hope?

i dont ever ever want to be that person. the person who tons of people idolize and love and dream of, the person who's boyfriend/girlfriend is hated, criticized at every waking moment just because of whose arm they're on and vice versa. i guess it may never happen to me because i'm a girl. all these girls hating all these big famous boy's women. it will never happen to me, i guess, unless tons of boys get that way as well. but maybe girls who idolize me will still think whoever im with isnt cute enough or pretty enough or worthy enough. i dont ever want that. ever. i dont want rumors. i dont want people to look into my past and curse at the people who ive loved because they feel these people werent worthy enough for me. or anything, anything at all, i dont want people to pry and be filled with seething rage. or jealousy, for that matter, or fear. i dont want people looking at my pictures and imagining who caused my smile, who is on my mind. i just dont. if i am to be where i need to be, i want to enter the life with my love life completely closed or completely open. no rumors. i either want one person to be my forever, so that no one can label the relationship as a result of fame, or i dont want anyone to know at all. i never want anyone doing that. i guess it will be near impossible. it will be so hard. but i will do it. somehow. or i just wont answer questions. whoever i love will be who i love and everyone can fuckin deal.

i think thats all i have to say.

my plan for the future. saving my income, getting a job this year, have of my check goes into savings and the other half to my mother and the house. i save that and after high school, or maybe before, ill have a small car, one that gets me from a to b. in between this time i need a drumset, something to mix music and record tracks on. maybe a keyboard. i need to make my fucking music. so after high school. me, my cat (if, god bless this hope, she is still with me) my stuffed puppy fetch, and my music will pack into my little car and head off with my savings. it will be hard, but i can always visit, and if i stay here i wont be able to let go. this place is too small and ive already lived damn near all over. too many memories will keep me down. so i leave, either milwaukee or chicago. my friends? who knows where they'll be, but i'll keep ties. maybe my mom will let me have the computer. ill keep my tv vcr/dvd and some light fixtures and my bed, i dont need much, really. maybe, i can just get a sidekick and use that as a phone and computer. that would be so much better. so ive got my things and ill find a place, milwaukee or chicago, i want to live with someone. share the rent. i dont need to eat much, ill have my savings and ill find another job to make more. from there, i will dedicate my life to what i need to do. music.

that is my plan.

im done. my love has fallen asleep, it's 3:30 in the morning and i actually have to go to school tomorrow. finals friday, i think... or monday and tuesday.. i dont know but i have science and history work to make up and a monologue, a monologue to pick and fucking memorize before friday. LMFAO WISH ME LUCK.

<333 [/mbear]

somebody spit these words in my face and make me do this.

i'm supposed to be working out. i am not happy with my body. at. all. it's awkward... at least if it were skinnier it would be more tolerable. it's really starting to get depressing again. especially when there are a few select people (person) that I want to look good for.

gabe saporta, as is cobra starship, is overrated- though they make the best music videos. saw Jac in the new one but did I catch hannabeth too? looked like her. it was hilarious... mostly for the beginning. my god, Patrick. my god. i'm going to start checking the bunnies in the mall at easter.

feels like i'm in love but it's far, far too early to say such a thing. i'll get my blood taken with a 12 gauge needle before i fuck this up. (NEVER EVER EVER EVER NASDFAUIOFNDKJS)

so basically, my plans for the week

- suffer through school
- WORK OUT ON THE TREADMILL
- get my monroe pierced
- get my hair cut
- get the black of my hair re dyed
- finish my song
- clean my room
- have at least one day where i feel beautiful.
- spend all my time on my love
 

now if I could just get my fat ass up and slap my face, i could get started on that.
ugh.

[/mish]

i asked my mom to ask my doctor to prescribe me depression pills. this is something i said i would never do. and yet, i'm sick of fighting by myself. i need a little help. if pills can control my mind, then yes, i'd like some. only enough to keep my mind balanced. that's all i need. but no. they sent me to speak with my doctor and tell her why i think i need them. she agreed, but see, they can't prescribe to anyone under 18 because it gives us bad ideas. it'll make us want to kill ourselves. she described it as,

"they start feeling so much better about themselves and their life, that they start feeling good enough to execute the plan to kill themselves."

about that. which is ridiculous. i'd never do that. i guess i can't really say, because i've never been in such a situation, but that's just ridiculous. so what she decided was that i'd "highly benefit" from some fucking therapy. i swear to god. if they start lecturing me, telling me how to live, how to protect myself, and MOST OF ALL what's WRONG with me, i'm going to freak. I KNOW what's wrong with me and I know how to get it away. my problem is? those things aren't working anymore and i'm sick of living on my toes because i'm trying to protect myself. from my own goddamn head. if pills can help that, just give them to me.

apparently i'm going to these sessions and they'll slowly start giving me doses. if this is a two for one package, i want none. i don't want special fucking care. i just want some pills. like asprin. it'll be fucking fine, and if it isn't, i'll get off of them. i don't want to be treated like a goddamn eight year old and have to keep talking to some bitch about how my fucking week was, and then get "evaluated". I'M NOT STUPID, I'M SUICIDAL. i can think just fucking fine, thanks. I don't need some cunt telling me whether i had a good day or a bad day, damnit.

if i go to those damn sessions i'm doing it my way. i'm convincing her to give me pills. i'll talk about memories. i'll lie. i'm getting the pills so i can try them for myself. i don't want help from other people. i want to see if pills work, that's it. if the pills don't work, i'll leave the sessions and everything completely and go back to staying to myself about it. if they do, i'm going to keep lying in order to get them. i don't want help from someone who's going to talk to me like I don't know what's wrong with me and like I need constant fucking care. god. damnit.

on the other hand, this is my favorite book of all time, and i'm going to pick a monologue from it to audition at school for the play next year. it's going to be RENT. i want in motherfucking badly, but i'm so fucking nervous. i don't want to sing scales. and i'm afraid i won't be ready by tomorrow. i'm hanging around the auditions all tomorrow after school to get a spot and just go. i'm so nervous. i don't know if i'm going to go through with it.

[/mbear]

There are 18 letters in your name.
Those 18 letters total to 86
There are 8 vowels and 10 consonants in your name.
 
What your first name means:

i'm just trying to get my message across. even if its been said before. it needs to be heard again, and that need will never ever be satisfied...
ever since I was old enough to remember, i've felt like I was put here for a reason, and I swear on everything I love that's the truth. there's always been something there.
I may(loathe myself) not like myself, or see the great things in me that others can (or claim to), but I do know who I am, and what I have to do.
whether or not people find me "amazing" or "special" or "unique", doesn't matter to me. because I know what I am. I have something that I need to do, and I will
gladly throw myself off the tallest building in Chicago before accepting the fact that I can't.

I can do it. I will do it. I have to do it.

don't see me as a dreamer, see me as the future.
see me as a secret. I don't believe I'm special, but I believe I'm significant.

there are thoughts in my head you couldn't dream of. there are fears, monsters, that you haven't even seen in your nightmares
i'm only fourteen and I have to deal with this.
that's why I have breakdowns, that's why I went through the overrated bitch that is cutting. it was a release because.. I was overwhelmed.
having to deal with hitting your teens, discovering who you are and dealing with the view of a WHOLE new window in your head
can get
a little
tough.

i'm glad it happened. I know how to deal with it now, I can accept it and tip toe around that monster just fine
doesn't mean it never gets scary because God, believe me, it does. but now I know that I can do it, at least.

one day I'm going to be the face that you loathe, or the song you don't understand, and I'm perfectly fine with that.
as long as to another person, i'm the face full of inspiration, the song full of hope, and something they can count on.

i'm not trying to be anyone or anything. I just want to do what has been done for me, and I want this feeling to be satisfied when I die.
long since, if possible.

all I want to do is what I'm supposed to.

this is not a wish. it's a destiny. (don't go thinking i'm always this confident.)

i'm not a dreamer. i'm a piece of the puzzle

knock me out and let me go back to sleep.

[/mbear]

seeing as I have a little biography type thing in my profile on here, I guess i'll just skip that, and treat this like a journal. my actual journal is http://greatestjournal.com/~mishybear, which is why I hardly ever update blogs on myspace, or livejournal, and why I'm only just now doing so here. but I figure, here i don't really know anyone, and there are people who might be interested in listening, so why not?

okay. well, i'm feeling pretty accomplished because I just fixed up my page :) as you've probably seen by now (or are seeing right now.) i made the banner and everything, as well as the color scheme, and i'm just really happy it looks the way I want it. probably what inspired this entry.

resisting the urge to update my gj. i live on that thing, for serious. but I try not to update everyday, i try to wait at least two days. because I don't want people getting annoyed w/ my updates, and when you post less, they read more, and i'd like them to. not for the sake of comments, but because well, i'm updating there for a reason. I want to tell people about what's going on in my life, and my head, and i want someone to talk to about such things. they won't talk if they don't read, you know? and they won't read if there's more words every single day.

so what I wanted to say in my gj isn't really too important to waste an update with. it was just about fixing up my buzznet, and the fact that i'm really enjoying this book mandi gave me to read, "the perks of being a wallflower". it's written in the same way "the catcher in the rye" is, and that is my favorite book of all time. in catcher, there were so many things I related to, so many thoughts and feelings I couldn't put into words myself, that it was just so shocking to read them and go "HEY! this kid felt that, too! SOMEONE GETS IT!" or at least read them and finally see them put down into words. i'm getting the same thing w/ this book, wallflower, and it's incredible. it's made me cry twice, lmao. :(

SPRING BREAK! first day -> today. i didn't even go to school, which I sort of regret, because I was going to bring something for someone. my history teacher last quarter was ms mayes, and she is fucking amazing. she's the youngest teacher, mid 20's and she's just like a kid. i'm not kidding or exaggerating. you'd have to know her.. in fact, if you go to my videos on here, there should be one of her. if not, i'll go upload it now. she's just... real. not a bullshitter and she doesn't try and be "proper", and she always has a HILARIOUS story to tell. she doesn't treat us all the same, either, and in the good way. she loves everyone she meets (for the most part, we all have people we don't get along w/ obviously), because she loves how different everyone is. anyway, she's amazing. we've switched history classes just this week, which was the school board's fault, and everyone in our class (including ms mayes) was upset. becky and I were crushed, so we go and spend lunches with her. she lets anyone walk into her room, people do it all the time, during class and everything. yesterday we went and talked, and she may have convinced me to try and go to college.

anyway, she loves swedish fish, and always is encouraging kids to buy her stuff like that. she says "just so you know, I will accept candy for grades. buy me candy. swedish fish, anything red." lmfao. so I asked her what else she likes, and she said she likes "puff puff cheetos" lmao, so I got her a big bag. I said I'd bring it tomorrow, which would be today, but obviously i didn't because I didn't go. that's really the only reason I regret getting out of school at the last minute.

so anyway, my plans for spring break areeeee.... nothing. the only thing on my agenda is easter, which will be celebrated saturday at my grandma's in Illinois. that's an hour away from here in hoffman estates. I live in kenosha, wisconsin, by the way, which is a suburb of Chicago. so the only reason i'm really looking forward to going is because my cousin amber is. amber is more like my sister. she's the one out of two people I enjoy talking on the phone w/. she lives in harvard illinois, so it's our only way of keeping in touch, though we like write insane letters sometimes. then call eachother and tell eachother we've sent one. so yeah, that'll be fun, beacuse i'll get to show her my tattoo. no one else, though. it was hard enough telling everyone about my first. they only found out about it a few months ago, and most people found out on accident. no one should know about this one, they might freak. my family is insanely judgemental, and the hugest fucking gossips. it's not even funny.

but I do love them. I miss my uncle rob. he's only five years older than me, and his sister is his fraternal twin aka my aunt kim. kim and rob, the twins. they were born on september 11th, no kidding. the four of us (me, amber, kim and rob) have always been really close, being the only kids in the family. back when I was little. but now everyone is growing and we don't hang out anymore, don't beg to go to eachother's houses- we only really get holidays. we don't have the time. and summer, but none of it really happened last summer.. but I think we're all kind of missing eachother. I know amber and I miss our aunt and uncle.

amber is two years older than me, by the way. making her sixteen. and she's totally different than me, judging by the music she likes, and the shows she watches, and the people she hangs out with and what she does on weekends. but we're so close that none of that is really a problem, we have the same sense of humor and the same kind of minds, and we're just... close. it's one of those really rare relationships, I guess. i'd be jealous if I didn't have it. i guess i'm just really thankful for her. and my family, actually. i'm thankful for everything I have, even though I'm bad at showing it.

mandi comes to mind right about here. she'd take so long to explain, but she's my best friend, the person who keeps me together and i'm not exaggerating when i say without her, i'd fall apart. i'm just thankful.

so yeah, those are my.. happenings. if this was gj, I wouldn't have even considered writing this much. I don't know why I am now. I might regret it later. oh well. ps, thanks for reading.

[/mbear]